The Day I Almost Gave Up On Life

“I don’t like it here. I’m tired of being afraid all the time. I’ve decided not to stay. I doubt they’ll kick up any fuss” — Brooks Hatlen The Shawshank Redemption.

Not many people will argue that “The Shawshank Redemption” is one of the greatest movies of all time, if not the greatest movie of all time.

From the acting, the characters, the subplots within the main theme, and the spine-tingling opera where the entire prison comes to a standstill and listens to “Le Nozze di Figaro,” it is just about the perfect movie. The hero of the story is, of course, Andy Dufresne, who is the epitome of finding a way when there isn’t a way. He found a way to turn prison into a home, his enemies into allies, and a death sentence into a second chance at life.

However, the more I watch the movie as I get older, the more I connect and relate to one of the side characters, Brooks Hatlen.

Brooks was originally convicted of murdering his wife and daughter and served as the prison librarian for over 50 years. He had been in prison so long that the only life he knew was the one within the prison walls. When he was finally released from prison, he was at a loss, and no matter how much he tried adjusting to life outside prison, he simply couldn’t and ultimately took his own life.

More often than not, I’ve always felt that no matter how much effort I put into improving myself, things just never seem to get better.

At the start of each year, I sit down, open my journal, and vow to do everything I can to make the new year better than the last. I usually write down a list of goals I want to achieve in areas such as finance, fitness, my relationships, my career, and my health. Every time I feel a fire in my belly, filled with sheer motivation and determination to make sure that this year is the year that things get better.

In my mind, I would tell myself, “this year was going to be my Shawshank Redemption moment where I finally crawl my through 500 yards of shit and come out clean the other end.”

Unfortunately, real life doesn’t exactly work that way, and just when I felt I would be close to the finish line, another avalanche of pain and suffering would send me tumbling back another 900 yards. As much as “The Shawshank Redemption” is one of the greatest stories of human triumph, most people never come out the other end clean.

By the end of 2023, I felt like my life would end up like this as I was preparing to shut down my first business after just 14 months, I had little to no savings left in the bank, and my mental and physical health were in dire straits. There was nothing left in the tank, and despite trying a host of different solutions, every day I woke up miserable and completely void of any hope.

At this point, my story was in danger of coming to an abrupt, premature ending.

I was ready to give up

For 9 years, I woke up every day with a sense of dread, guilt, and shame.

It wasn’t as if I didn’t have anything to live for, and in fact, 2023 was one of the best years for me on paper. I had just launched my first music school after 9 years of private teaching; I was financially stable, my relationship with my father was on the mend, and my girlfriend and I celebrated 5 years of being together. On paper, life couldn’t have been better, and I was living out my dream.

However, just as life was starting to get better, I felt like the end was nigh, and my days were numbered.

Despite the success I was having in my career, I had never felt more lost in my life than I did throughout 2023. Most of my business and career decisions were made purely to impress my mentors, family members, and colleagues. Crucially, I felt like I was constantly on edge for most of the year, and I was ready to explode at any given point.

To top it all off, I averaged no more than 4 hours of sleep each night, and even if I tried to take a day off to rest, I simply couldn’t.

One day in July 2023, I sat down with a close friend of mine who, like me, has lived with depression for over a decade. We went to our usual café spot and ordered the usual; a latte for me and a decaf black coffee for him. As we sat down, we started recounting the events of that week to each other, but unlike before, I told him something I had never told anyone before.

For the first time, I uttered the words “I think I’ve had enough” out loud to someone.

To anyone else who hasn’t had depression or knows someone with depression, this may confuse you a bit. You might think that I’d be referring to my job, the apartment I’m living in, or that I just wanted to go home. But my friend, who fights off suicidal thoughts every day of his life, simply said to me, “I know exactly what you mean.”

Strangely, despite the harrowing nature of my statement, I felt a sense of comfort and relief lift off my shoulders. For the first time in my life, I was able to talk to someone about this and to know that someone actually understood what I was going through. Up until that point, the only thing that others were interested in was how I was going to grow my business, and whenever someone asked me how I was going, I would fight off every urge to tell people I wanted to end my life and plainly say “I’m alright.”

In a way, by opening up to my friend that day, I was washed away with a sense of validation and no longer had to lie.

For the rest of the night, my friend and I shared our own experiences of when we’ve felt completely down and out. Every time I mentioned how the hardest part of my day was getting out of bed, he would nod along, the same way that I’d nod along when he talked about how he’d often feel completely void of any emotion on a daily basis. To put it frankly, we had both gotten to a point where we were simply “existing” and mere shadows of our true selves.

Reasons to stay alive

As we took our last sip of coffee and prepared to call it a night, I asked him what his reason for living was.

He paused for what seemed like an eternity before answering with a list of three things. The first was staying alive for his parents who were both 70 years old and experiencing the early stages of dementia. Despite the fact that his relationship with his parents was riddled with resentment and bitterness, he wanted to do whatever he could to ensure that he spends as much time with his parents as possible before they forget who their only son is.

His second reason was mentoring a young 17-year-old aspiring entrepreneur who also was a mutual friend of ours.

At 27 years old, my friend has accumulated more knowledge and skills than many seasoned 55-year-old CEOs. While he felt that he was in a rut with his entrepreneurial aspirations, he wanted to ensure that this kid would be given the right tools and guidance to not only have financial success but also be fulfilled in life. In more ways than none, this was his way of giving back and helping the next generation of aspiring business owners thrive.

His third reason was looking forward to catching up with me over coffee each week.

That was the one that hit me the hardest.

Finding out what is most important to me

Throughout 2023, whenever I’d catch up with my friend, all our conversations would revolve around the fact that we both feel like giving up. Each week we’d talk about how exhausted we were, how we would be constantly doing things we didn’t want to do, and how we had lost our purpose in life. The most upsetting part of our conversations was that we both knew just how much potential we had, and yet we were both ready to give it all up.

Ironically, it was these catch-ups that kept me going, as I knew every week, on Monday evening, I’d get to see a good friend of mine who actually understands what I’m going through.

When I went home that night in July, I went back into my journal and revisited the goals I set for myself for 2023. Almost all of them were entirely materialistic and monetary. None of them had anything to do with things I actually cared for deeply or what was most important to me.

Opening up a music school had been a dream of mine ever since I was 16, and for the best part of 9 years, I dedicated every ounce of my energy and breath into making sure that dream would come true.

When that dream came true on January 1st, 2023, not only did I feel completely numb of satisfaction or joy, but the rest of the year became a living nightmare that I couldn’t get out of. For a long time, I was chasing something I felt like I had to do, not something that I truly wanted to do. As much as I love music, teaching music, and sharing music with others, I never really wanted to run a music school.

What I really wanted was to build a life that would allow me to spend half my time helping people, and the other half creating happy memories with my family and friends.

Redefining my purpose in life

For the first 25 years of my life, my self-worth and purpose in life were determined by my achievements and accolades.

This was the main source of my depression, as when I didn’t reach the goals I set out to achieve each year, I’d see myself no more than a failure and disappointment to everyone around me. The only thing that mattered to me was achieving something of notice to the wider community. I tricked myself into thinking that I was doing something important to society, but the reality was, I just wanted someone to notice me.

When my friend told me that he looked forward to our coffee catch-ups each week, it really opened my eyes to what matters in life.

In today’s society, we are often encouraged to reach our potential and strive for big things. Social media influencers these days talk about how easy it is to make a million dollars and gain a million followers. Every day we are given messages about how many of us are mediocre and how we should strive to make a difference in the world.

The reality is, sometimes these moments of greatness happen during the most unexciting and quiet periods of our lives.

While I believe it’s important we all aim to do something that influences positive changes in life, we can’t forget about the little things in life that often define what it means to be alive. I spent the best part of a decade focusing on achieving a goal so I could be recognized as an entrepreneur and business owner, to the point it almost killed me. Once I achieved that goal, I had no other purpose in life and completely lost myself in the process.

After my friend told me that our coffee catch-ups gave him a sense of hope and belief to continue on, it made me realize that my life was defined by the relationships I had with those closest to me, and the time I spend with them would be the moments I remember for the rest of my life.

For every achievement, accolade, and financial success you have in life, you will have 100 little moments with your friends and family that are very easy to sweep under the rug.

When I sat down with my journal that night in July, I asked myself when did I feel most satisfied, joyful, and happy in my life. Within 10 minutes, I filled out 4 pages of memories that I shared with my friends, family, and girlfriend. Not one moment came from achieving success in business, doing well in university, or saving $100k by the time I was 20 years old.

When you take the time back to reflect on your life, I guarantee that the top 10 best moments in your life would’ve come from being with people who matter to you. That’s not to say that you shouldn’t aim to achieve monetary goals in life or chase that passion project of yours. However, those moments of success tend to be fleeting and never truly last.

I found my purpose in making sure that no matter how tough things get in life, I will always be there for my friends and family when they need it the most.